From The Siblings of RAD Brothers and Sisters

This one was very eye opening to document.  We took the time to survey over 30 siblings with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) affected brothers and sisters.  We asked them what they need/needed to be different for them, what they wish/wished their parents knew, what is/was hard for them, and whatever else they wanted to tell us. 

Here is what they had to say:

1.  We don’t want to be their babysitter.  We just want to be their sibling, if there is even an option to have that with them.  I have tried in the past, and they won’t accept it.
2.  I wish my parents could have both spent time together with the family, rather than one parent having to stay at home to look after my RAD brothers and sisters.
3. It was so hard to see my parents go through so much trauma just trying to love my RAD siblings, and try to give them the life they deserved.
4. It’s hard seeing how much a child can struggle like this.  
5. It was hard dealing with meltdowns, tantrums, and rages in public.  The other option was staying at home, and that was hard too.  There was no win.  Ever.
6. I want my parents to know how it affected my relationship with them.  I don’t want to say how, because that’s for us to work through.
7. I want my parents to see and acknowledge how hard we worked at not having hard feelings towards them, but sometimes I still do have those hard feelings.
8. We all needed therapy.  I might not have know it at the time, but I know now.
9. The disconnect and lack of relationship with my RAD siblings is difficult to understand, and then trying to process that has been difficult.
10. Seeing and knowing things that I was really not supposed to know or understand was hard.  It took some of what was supposed to be my fun kid years away.
11. The tantrums and rages, the screaming, and tearing things up was hard to watch.
12. I was divided a lot.  What I mean is, I wanted them to be treated the same as the rest of us, but they would ruin vacations, movie nights, going to the pool, and just going to the store to pick out snacks.  I wished they weren’t allowed to come a lot of the times.  And, I feel bad that I wish that.
13. For a long time, I thought I was watching my parents fighting for their lives trying to satisfy and help them.  Then I realized, so was I.  And so where my other sisters and brothers.  We all were fighting for our lives.
14. Sometimes I still get triggered when I am in public and a little kid is throwing a fit.  I mean, that might be normal for that kid’s age.  But, it triggers me.
15. I was scared sometimes.  My RAD siblings had behaviors that caused me to worry about what else could happen.  I couldn’t sleep sometimes thinking about it.
16. I felt used by my RAD siblings.  They would manipulate me into thinking things, and try to turn me against my parents.  They did it to my sister too.
17. I was sometimes embarrassed at school because other kids would talk about how my RAD sibling acted in class and recess.  I feel bad for being embarrassed.  I know he needed help, but no one could really help him.  His life is pretty bad now that he is an adult.
18. My biggest memory was them peeing and pooping their pants, in their beds, and other places in their room and house.  It happened a lot. I was so grossed out.  The smell gagged me.  I didn’t want them to touch me because I just knew that their hands had pee and poop germs on them.
19. Low key, I despised them.  Now that I am a mom to a little one, I wonder how bad it had to be for them, you know before they came to us, for them to act like that.  I feel so guilty for despising them.  
20. Sometimes I just need to not be at home.  And when I am not at home, I wished my parents, my bio brother, and bio sister were with me.  I just wanted time with everyone who makes me feel safe and loved. 
21. It feels like my RAD sibling gets all the attention, whether good or bad, so there is less time for me.
22. They annoy me a lot, and they are so untrustworthy.
23. It’s hard to live with them.  
24. My RAD sibling won’t listen to me when I try to help them.
25. My parents have done everything they can, but I feel a strong need for them to do something else, or try something that didn’t work all over again.  It feels out of control sometimes.
26. I wish my parents weren’t easily tricked by them.
27. I thought when my RAD sister got to be an adult, she would do better.  She makes it so hard on my Mom still.  My Dad too, but for sure my Mom.
28. I can’t even understand why they lied about the things they lied about, then pretended they didn’t do anything wrong.  When they were older, I could not even stand to hear whatever was coming out of their mouth.  
29. I cried a lot.  I hid it from my parents.  I didn’t want to make things worse for them.  It was already so bad.
30. It was hard to watch how my parents went from fun and happy, to just sad and mad.  Where my room was, I would pass the wall of family photos.  It’s the only thing that helps me remember them before the others.  
31. I went to college just to get out.  Not my parent’s fault.  They did everything they could for all of us.
32. I won’t ever adopt.  And probably won’t have kids.  My parents did the best they could, but it was never enough for them.
33. Sometimes I think my friends are trying to manipulate me like my RAD sibling did for years.  And they are probably not.  It’s hard to know.  I don’t trust like I used too.
34. Sometimes we need for you to just spend time with us, just take us on trips or family days, come to school stuff without them.
35. I know you tried so hard for everyone, but I also know that’s why our family isn’t a family anymore.  Divorce sucks.  Especially when my RAD brother manipulates my parents and makes them worse with each other.
36. I miss you Mom and Dad.
37. We don’t blame our parents, we just want them back.
38. My life was forced to change because of her and what she needed.  I get it, but I also hated it.  It’s not fair.
39. Me and my sister just need you to know that we need to tell you how we feel and other things, but we don’t expect you to fix it or change it.  We know you can’t.  It helps to just be able to say it.
40. Don’t give him a cell phone.  He will bully someone.  I am afraid he will text me non stop.  I can’t deal with that.
41. I saw how much they tried to manipulate and hurt my Mom and Dad.  I wanted to help my parents, but they said it wasn’t my job.  I know they are right, but it made me hate my RAD sibling.  My parents are THE best ever.  All my friends love them and wishes they were their Mom and Dad.
42. I locked my bedroom door at night because I was scared of them.
43. Christmas was the worst with my RAD brother.  If he got what he wanted, he acted out.  If he didn’t get what he wanted, we all still paid for it.  
44. He peed all over everything.  How was I supposed to go to school and tell the counselor the Chromebook was ruined because my brother peed on it.  My Mom did call her, but it was so embarrassing.  
45. I was so relieved the day my RAD brother left for basic training.  He’ll probably be happy to kill someone if he gets deployed.  I was so happy to hear that my parents are moving us away and not giving out the address to him.

From 45 Siblings of RAD Brothers and Sisters

No shame.  No guilt.  Remember, you did the best you could with the information you had.  And now that you know, it’s time to shift your parenting towards felt safety, plan self care fore everyone, spending time with just them, and/or whatever else your other kids need!  They deserve it.