This month, siblings of trauma and attachment (RAD = reactive attachment disorder) affected kids are the spotlight. Our goal is for Moms and/or Dads to take away the awareness of how their trauma and attachment affected kids are affecting the other kids in the family. It’s a hard topic to cover without eliciting collateral feelings of guilt, maybe even shame. Our goal here is to never guilt, nor shame. Examining the intricacies of parenting trauma and attachment affected kids means assessing what needs to shift in all areas of parenting, including ALL kids in the family.
I also want our parents, professionals, our families’ support systems, and any other readers to know, that some of the very things we talk about in our blogs and posts come from learned experiences. We didn’t always know either! Remember we did the best that we could with the information that we had! Now that we know differently, we can shift our parenting strategies. Below are some basic areas to consider.
First, let’s consider the parenting shift. It’s natural for us to lean into shifting parenting for the child that has the highest need. Included in that parenting shift, is how to also shift for the siblings of the RAD affected kid. It’s important that you consider their grief, their felt safety, their inclination to protect the affected sibling, their inclination to protect their other siblings and parents, the conflict of empathy and accountability, the confusion between fair versus equal, and their feelings of being responsible for their affected sibling. It’s a lot. Remember to allow them to have a voice, be a place of emotional safety, release them from responsibility, and provide as many tools for them as the affected child. Have as many conversations as they need. Note that sometimes these conversations need to happen with a licensed professional.
Second, take time with your children without the affected sibling. So many of our parents want the entire family to move as a unit, but when one child within the family unit cannot navigate life at the same pace because they are trauma and attachment affected, everyone else suffers. That’s not therapeutic for anyone, including the RAD affected child. Create balance. What we are not saying is never include your RAD affected child. That would be unfair. Your affected child needs as much opportunity to learn and grow as the other children. What we are saying is set aside time and/or certain opportunities that do not include the affected child. We urge you to reserve these situations to be specifically for the needs of non affected siblings. Think about places and activities your RAD affected child cannot tolerate nor achieve, that your unaffected children need the opportunity to experience.
Third, foster the relationship between the unaffected children with their affected sibling. Don’t force, just let it happen through safe and age appropriate interactions. These interactions might need to be supervised or monitored for now. Let all your children’s professionals help guide the siblings to healthy connections. Let their professionals also lead you! The key is HEALTHY. This means refrain from guilting your unaffected kids into interactions, using them as tools for your affected child, and asking them to sacrifice in everything for the affected child.
Last, promote healthy boundaries. This means teaching all your children how to appropriately expect and ask for healthy boundaries that promote healthy relationships and emotional safety. Think and consider the following:
- Keeping accountability without having to tattle;
- Bedrooms aren’t shared with a trauma affected sibling, and that space is only for the child(ren) it belongs too and the parents as needed;
- How to advocate for breaks or space when things become unsafe;
- Everyone has a safe space to say;
- Designated safety plans that involve everyone in the family unit; without responsibility for the unaffected siblings, except in the case that a parent is unable to act.
Being a sibling of a RAD affected brother or sister is hard. We have more insight in other blogs that can give them the space they need to feel heard and understood. Remember to use tools for them…medications, therapy, boundaries, rules, and quality time.
Being a trauma and attachment affected parent is hard. It’s a level of parenting that is a different type of difficulty, that requires a tricky balance for everyone. If you are struggling to shift your parenting for any or all the children in your family, please reach out to us. Check out our website at https://theadoptionprojects.org/ ! Or, follow us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/share/19Mek6uHhm/?mibextid=wwXIfr.
