I’ve pondered for weeks on how to open this blog. Truthfully, there isn’t a way other than the reality of being a mom of a trauma affected child. This blog is specifically for trauma mamas.
It’s May. Mother’s Day is coming. It’s so stinkin’ hard. Let’s dive into the best way to approach handling Mother’s Day. Honestly, most of what I’m blogging about for May is not just for Mother’s Day. It’s approaches, tools, tactics, and adjustments are for your a trauma mama’s every day.
First, let’s start with what you can control. Nothing. Nothing, but what’s within your own power. This is true for every person. What you can control is how you respond to what’s happening around you, and to those that affect your day to day. Trauma affected children want your day to day to be all about them. To ensure this, they become relentless. I can’t reiterate enough, one of the number one things we teach here at The Adoption Projects LLC is THE most effective tool any parent can have…respond versus react. Stop reacting. Start responding. Responses need to be matter of fact, calm, with a casual tone, brief, and often times as you continue with whatever task is at hand. For example, while you are mid closing shift in the kitchen after breakfast, someone attempts to irritate you with the thing you absolutely cannot stand. Go ahead, say it out loud. (For me, it’s staring, the kind that burns a hole through your skin to your very soul.) Without stopping, ignore them, put on headphones or ear buds, and turn up the music. OR, without stopping, casually and calmly excuse them to sit on the back porch or invite them to their room, but say nothing more. The more you respond, the less successful they are at their unhealthy attempts at control and attention.
Second, adjust your expectation. Most of our parents say “what more can I adjust for them?!”. This isn’t about only adjusting your expectation to your trauma affected child’s capabilities. It’s about adjusting your expectations of what you wanted this to be, what you wanted adoption to look like. Pause and take a few minutes. Answer this: what did I think it would be like? Here’s the thing, it’s just not going to look like that. Stop, and let that sink in. It’s not because their journey isn’t the same as yours. It’s okay. Let it out. Cry if you need too. Grieve trauma mama, grieve. It’s not your fault. It’s also not about your hopes and dreams. It’s about the deeply bloody and painful trauma wounds that they were left to care for and heal, after circumstances and decisions that they did not make for themselves. Picket fence family dreams of love and stability are far from their thought processes. We know you didn’t ask for this either. But it’s time to let go and grieve, so your mental health is preserved as well.
Third, take space. In order to be able to respond (instead of react) to those around you, and to let go and grieve, you need your own space to heal. You have too. You have to take care of yourself and your own mental health. Parenting is a marathon, even if you don’t have kids that are affected by early childhood trauma. In order to make it to the end, you have to take care of yourself. Take breaks and connect to others outside of the house…friends, siblings, other trauma mamas. Take breaks and connect over hobbies or interests that have NOTHING to do with kids. Go for hikes or walks alone. Go to the library and work puzzles, read, or just sit in the quiet. Journal and meditate. Garden or do yard work. Your main goals: leave the inside of your home, be away from those that live in your home with you, and feed yourself with relationships and/or over activities and conversation. Start small and easy. It’s vital.
Mother’s Day is only days away. Go easy on yourself. Allow for the day to have frustrations. Grieve and let go of what you dreamed it would be. Workout with your partner some quiet private space for yourself. Remember, this is just a season. There will come a day when your house can be a quiet and peaceful safe space for you on Mother’s Day.
