If you read my last blog, I hope you tried implementing some of the things I suggested to facilitate communication with your spouse. If you did not read Part 1, I highly encourage you to do so before getting too far into this one. This is the second blog in a 3-part series on how to care for your partner as a trauma parent. The first blog was about communication, and is really the foundation for caring for your partner. In the closing paragraph of Part 1 in this series, I stated: “The more consistent and clear you are in your communication, the more supported your spouse will feel.” Part 2 comes from the perspective that you are working on communication and will therefore focus on other ways to help your spouse feel supported.
The most critical way you must support your spouse is: BELIEVE HER! Your wife will most likely be the target for a trauma child’s negative behaviors. Just because a child does not behave in the ways she describes around you, does not mean those behaviors are not occurring! Children with developmental trauma/RAD are experts at triangulation as a means of exerting control. Triangulation occurs when the child behaves differently, and/or says different things to adults to cause conflict between the adults. They triangulate among teachers, therapists, doctors, and even complete strangers against their parents, but especially mom versus dad. It is not likely that your wife transformed from being the loving, believable person that you married, to someone that is “blowing things out of proportion”, nor being an antagonist to your child; that is not the nature of mothers. Your wife is the same loving, caring, patient person that you fell in love with; but she is emotionally drained from caring for a child that is constantly trying to exert control over every situation. To be clear, this is not the child’s fault, it is the way the brain develops in response to trauma that occurs during early brain development. The fact that these behaviors are not the fault of the child does not mean the behaviors should be accepted or tolerated. The healthiest way to combat triangulation is to not allow it to happen. It should be clear to the child that mom and dad, parents and teachers, providers and parents are all on the same team and have the same consistent approach.
Support for your spouse cannot be half-assed or conditional. Taking the side of the child is not helpful for your spouse OR the child. Sure, it may make you feel like the child’s “hero” in the moment, but I promise you, the child does not really feel that way about you. They only know that they “won” at manipulating you and gaining control over mom AND dad. So, this comes back to the foundation of communication. You need to make sure you are in RECEIVING mode when your wife is telling you about interactions with, and behaviors of, a child with developmental trauma/RAD. This is not a time to discuss how you think she could have handled things differently. This is when you listen, so you know how to engage with the child that shows you are unified with mom! Even if you think mom could have done something differently, you need to show unity. I guarantee you that your wife has already thought about all the ways she might have been able to do things differently, and she will make changes better on her own, than if you were to offer your advice.
The child with developmental trauma needs you and your wife to be unified! It may be uncomfortable, but in the long-term the child will see you SUPPORTING your wife and will (over time) understand that you are setting an example of what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
This support extends beyond interactions with the child. You must demonstrate this same support for your wife with doctors, teachers, therapists, etc. DO NOT allow a child with developmental trauma to triangulate these professionals against your wife. Unfortunately, these “professionals” are frequently not well-informed when it comes to developmental trauma. Your wife is the expert on the behaviors of the child with developmental trauma. She will feel supported when you validate her expertise.
Our son with developmental trauma graduated from high school last week! He has been accepted to a college program for cosmetology and will start that program in August. He made it to this point without a juvenile record, no calls to the police, no substance abuse problems, and with a healthy relationship with us. I share this not as a “flex” that we did everything right, because there are so many things we wish we would have done differently. I share this to provide hope. You don’t have to be perfect. It takes work, communication, and a TEAM of people to achieve this. Supporting your wife also means finding the right team of people to provide the best opportunity for your child to find success. Support also means you may have to redefine what “success” means for your child, your spouse, and your family.
If you read Part 1 and have now made it through Part 2, it shows that you are on the right path. You love your wife and you love your child. Learning how to support your wife to the fullest is critical to the success of your child, and having a healthy family relationship in the future. Keep putting in the effort and know that you do not have to go through this alone. Keep seeking out resources like The Adoption Projects, our blogs, and you will find success.
Brandon Morgan, PT, DSc, DPT, OCS, FAAOMPT, and The RAD Dad
