Many of our greatest lessons, knowledge, and wisdom comes from things we don’t get right. If we are lucky, we learn a lot from the experience of other people so we can avoid having all our knowledge come from mistakes. I do not consider myself an expert on developmental trauma, nor how to provide care for my wife as a trauma parent. Unfortunately, when we became parents of a child with developmental trauma, we didn’t have someone sharing their wisdom with us; we were pretty much on our own to figure things out as we went. Some of the things I will mention here are things I did consistently well at, others I was inconsistent with, and others I learned from the master teacher that is hindsight; with the added benefit of finally finding resources and a community that have provided wisdom and strength.
This probably won’t be a shocker, but the number one thing to do to ensure you are caring for your partner is communicate. This is hard in any relationship, but extremely difficult when there is the added stress of raising a child with developmental trauma, also known as reactive attachment disorder.
For daily communication, schedule time in each day to be fully present (no TV, no phone, no radio/podcast, etc.) and engage in listening. If you have been at work all day and your partner home with kids, I recommend that you don’t plan for this immediately upon getting home from work. Take a few minutes to get oriented with being home…what is the mood in the air, what is the level of stress, what is the level of chaos, what is the level of desperation, etc? Then, engage in whatever activity needs your attention to facilitate your partner being able to disappear to a quiet place (bedroom, basement, closet, car, walk, etc.) for 15 to 20 minutes. They need time to process their day before attempting to communicate.
Ideally, after these 15 to 20 minutes is when you would have time as a couple to communicate, and by that, I mean you listen while she talks. After she has had a chance to talk, DO NOT start problem solving everything! Ask her what she needs from you right now, for the rest of the evening, for tomorrow, and for the week (knowing full well that what she says she needs from you tomorrow today may not end up being what she will tell you she needs tomorrow for tomorrow). This was an error that I made thousands of times, and still do. I make assumptions about what my wife needs from me, I focus on doing those things, and then I am confused when she feels like I am not being helpful. I learned that many times I react and do things that I think are helpful when in reality I am doing busy work to make me feel like I am being helpful. There will be times when she is not capable of telling you what she needs; be patient. If she cannot identify how you can help, then you can make suggestions: “Would it help if I took the kids to the park? Would it help if you went for a drive while I take care of all the nighttime routines? Would it help if I…?” She might latch onto something that will behelpful, or it may spark her to think of something else on her own. These daily conversations do not have to be 100% about what is going on with the trauma child (and definitely should not be if there are other children in the home).
At the end of the evening, take time to check-in to see how it went: “Jane, during our evening check-in you said that you would feel supported if I took the kids to the park while you got dinner ready. How do you feel that went? Did it help you the way you thought/hoped it would? Reflecting back, is there something else I could have done that would have helped you feel more supported?” This is another time to listen and respond vs react. To react would be to have your feelings hurt and be defensive, “Well, I did what you asked, what more do you want?” To respond would be to reinforce what you hear and make a plan of how you (together) might be able to get closer to hitting the mark in the support she needs from you tomorrow: “Yeah, I saw that going to the park really got the kids wound up and they had a difficult time settling down for dinner which made dinner a bit more chaotic. Maybe tomorrow we should try having me take care of all the bedtime routine stuff and you can take the dog for a walk. You will be able to come home from the walk and do tuck-ins (if you are up to it), and then we will have time to do something together if you’re up to it, or you can continue with some individual quiet time.”
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of intervention.” For deeper communication, go to couples therapy. I have failed miserably with this as we are just now starting counseling together. Ideally you are engaged in counseling before there are significant relationship problems, but if there are struggles, hopefully counseling will help you work through them. As I mentioned in the beginning, communication is HARD. The role of a counselor for couples is to facilitate hard conversations in an environment where everyone feels safe and heard. Couples therapy would only be once a week, every two weeks, or monthly potentially. So, what about in between? Plan time outside of therapy to talk about and work on the things you have discussed in therapy. I think planning time is key, so both of you can be prepared to be present for each other. Sometimes when I am in the mood to talk about a hard topic with my wife, she is not in a mental/emotional place to have that discussion, and vice versa. If it is planned ahead of time, each of you should be able to work to ensure you are in the right mental/emotional space, or recognize you are not and ask to reschedule the time.
The more consistent and clear you are in your communication, the more supported your spouse will feel. Communication is not easy. You won’t always get it right. That’s okay! Have grace for each other. Help each other with this process. Can the discomfort of a difficult conversation really be that much worse than the discomfort that comes from not knowing what each other’s needs are and how or if you are meeting them? Hang in there!
Brandon Morgan, PT, DSc, DPT, OCS, FAAOMPT, and The RAD Dad
Brandon Morgan has been married to his wife for 27 years. They have three biological children ages 26, 24, and 17, and one adopted child age 18. Brandon has served in the US Air Force for 18+ years. He is also President on the Board of Directors for the non-profit organization, Developmental Trauma Specialists.
