If you read my last two blog, I hope you tried implementing some of the things I suggested to facilitate communication with your spouse, AND how to support her. If you did not read Part 1 and 2, I highly encourage you to do so before getting too far into this one. This is the third blog in a 3-part series on how to care for your partner as a trauma parent. The first blog was about communication, and is really the foundation for caring for your partner. Part 2 comes from the perspective that you are working on communication and will therefore focus on other ways to help your spouse feel supported. And now, Part 3!
According to dictionary.com, respite is defined as, “a delay or cessation for a time, especially of anything distressing or trying; an interval of relief.” Nobody needs or deserves this more than a mother of a child with developmental trauma, AKA reactive attachment disorder (RAD). And nobody has a harder time recognizing this and doing something about it, than a mother of a child with developmental trauma! Respite can come in so many different forms and lengths of time. It can be an hour of alone in the house without the stress of caring for children overwhelming her. It can be an evening that she leaves the house and does something that helps her recharge in a way that is meaningful to her. It can be a weekend at a hotel by herself while you are home taking care of the kids. It can be a weekend away for the two of you while someone else takes care of the kids. It can be 15-minutes of you running interference while she hides out in the closet.
Which one is the right one? All of them! Which one is the most important one? Whichever one you can start doing on a consistent basis. Too often, we are overwhelmed thinking we can’t do it all perfectly, so instead of doing something we are paralyzed to the point of inaction. Start with something. How do you determine what to start with? Refer back to part one of this series… communication. Talk with your spouse and ask her what she needs. If she is not able to verbalize what her needs are, tell her what you perceive her needs to be and let her tell you if you are hitting the mark. Once you have identified the needs, discuss what meeting those needs for respite would look like in an ideal world (didn’t have to worry about money, always have a trustworthy person to care for the kids if the parents are gone, etc.). Then talk about what a realistic starting point is for your situation. Start with that one thing and be really consistent with it. While you are developing consistency with that first thing, you can identify what the next level of respite for your wife will look like, make a plan for what needs to happen for that next level to be reality for you, and start working the plan. But, you have to keep being consistent with the first thing as you do this.
Once you’ve worked the plan for the second level and are at the point where you are ready to implement it, do it! And get consistent with that thing while still being consistent with the first thing. You can probably guess what I’m going to say next, but this is when you start planning and working the plan to get you in position to implement the third level of respite in your previously identified optimistic, yet realistic hierarchy of ideal respite for your spouse.
I can share with you some of the things that we have done. I will reiterate a very important point that I have tried to communicate in each of these posts… I am not perfect at any of these things. There are times I have done better than others; and sometimes I have flat out sucked. I keep trying though. Although it may not seem like it to you, your wife does not think you are, nor expect you to be perfect. She doesn’t need you to be perfect. She needs to see you making an effort on a consistent basis to communicate with her, support her, and help find respite for her. Here are some of the things that we have done:
- Weekly night out. This is something that we started doing even before we adopted our child with developmental trauma. As a stay-at-home mom of our young bio-kids, we recognized that respite was needed. My wife is an introvert and recharges by being alone. We identified a weeknight that would work best for us weekly based on other obligations. She leaves the house as soon as I get home from work. She goes and does whatever she wants, and returns home that night whenever she wants. As an Air Force family that has lived around the world, this often required some creativity on her part. Sometimes it meant she was in a lit parking lot somewhere sitting in the car reading a book. Your wife might need to be around people, so a weekly book club, craft club, movie club, or whatever her interests are might be more appropriate for her. Help her find what fits her needs that will help her feel recharged. I will say that over the past 25+ years, this is one thing we have been ultra consistent with. Even when I had to be out of town for work, I would do my best to try to coordinate this weekly time as often as possible. Even when things were “good”, we kept the weekly night out consistent because it is important to ensure it stays a habit. It’s not something you re-start when things turn “not so good”. Even as I write this, my wife is on her night out tonight although our child with developmental trauma is not living in the home (doing very well, graduated from high school, working a summer job, getting ready to start cosmetology school in August), and our youngest bio kiddo (17) being super responsible and independent. It’s a habit that I’m not sure will ever need to end.
- TDY – In the military this stands for “temporary duty yonder”, and it is used for anytime a military member travels away from their home station for work. It could be a two-day conference, a two-week training, or a 6+ month deployment. Even though my wife recognized that most of the TDYs I had to go on were not optional, there was a degree of frustration, envy, anger and/or some combination of unhappy feelings around these trips. One day she said, “I want to go TDY!” We started planning quarterly TDYs. This has ebbed and flowed more for us than the weekly night out, but I would say we’ve done at least two per year for most of the past 15 years. Some of these TDYs have been her going to visit her sister or a friend. A majority of them have been her getting a hotel somewhere nearby where she can go and be alone. She will take books and craft projects, get food she can keep in the hotel room, so she doesn’t have to leave, turns off her cell phone, and does her thing for several days.
- Couples Getaways – You need to find time to be a couple. We have been doing a weekly date night from the time we first got married. Even before having any kids, we had a planned date night weekly. This is one thing we have been even more consistent at than the weekly night out. Find a trusted babysitter, one that can come to your house or that can take your kiddo to their house, whatever works so that you can take your wife on dates on a regular basis. Weekly may not be a realistic place for you to start; so, maybe you start with once a month or every other week. I would encourage you to have part of the plan getting to where this can be weekly. Weekly date nights ensure you stay connected, and it shows your children that you are staying connected. The more consistent you are with this, the more it becomes a normal part of the routine for your kids, and they will realize it is not something they can manipulate. I’m not saying it doesn’t come with a cost at times, with your kiddo(s) acting out more because of the disruption in their routine. But the price you pay to make this the routine, is definitely worth the long-term return on investment. At least once a year, try to find a way to go on a husband and wife only vacation. This might be a simple weekend “staycation” or a weeklong cruise. We’ve done camping trips, local hotels, cruises, etc. The destination isn’t the important part. The time together and away is what you should focus on. Again, this takes coordination and planning (mostly finding a good respite provider for while you are gone), but it can be done. And the more you do it, the more normal it becomes for everyone!
- This one is for if you have children in your home that do not have developmental trauma, but are impacted by all the “drama around the trauma.” Take vacations with your children that do not have developmental trauma, while your child with developmental trauma stays with a respite provider. Your non-trauma children need respite as well. They need to have time to interact with mom and dad without the overwhelming stress/demands of the child with developmental trauma. This may sound “mean” and some people will question why you would do that. First, it is really none of their business, and while it will feel hurtful you can know you are doing what is best for all your kids. Second, children with developmental trauma (for the most part) would rather not go on vacations. Vacations mean no routine, and kids with developmental trauma need routine. If they go on vacation with the family, they are generally miserable, while also making everyone else miserable. You need to be able to create healthy, happy memories with your children that do not have developmental trauma. One year while we were living in Germany, we were going to take the bullet train to Paris and do Disney Paris and other touristy stuff for spring break. When we told our at the time 10 year old son that he was going to stay with the respite provider, he was only sad until we told him we were taking the train and that we were going to Disney. He hated long train rides, and long lines. Once he knew what we would be doing, he was completely fine with not going with us. Our only regret, was not starting these vacations without him sooner.
There is not a one-size-fits-all approach to respite. But it is critical that you find ways to provide respite opportunities for your wife, yourself, and your kids that do not have developmental trauma. Start somewhere. Be consistent. Make plans. Work the plans. Make it a habit. Make it a normal part of the family routine.
Brandon Morgan, PT, DSc, DPT, OCS, FAAOMPT, and The RAD Dad
