This is a tough topic to write about. Unfortunately, as the siblings of our child with developmental trauma (DT) have become adults, my eyes continue to be opened to the many ways I failed them while they were living through the drama and trauma of growing up with a sibling impacted by DT. While I am sure each of them is in their own various stage of grief and forgiveness, I do take comfort in the fact that each of them still speaks to me; and each are willing to share some of the things that were hurtful, or that I could have done better for them in specific moments. We can’t go back in time to change any of those things for our family, but hopefully through our sharing, you may avoid some of the mistakes I made.
Communication is always the most difficult thing in any relationship, and that is no different in our relationships with our children. All children have big emotions, and raising children in the best of circumstances is challenging. Adding the extra-large emotions (for everyone) that come with raising a child that experienced DT makes communication that much more important, but also seems to make communication so much harder. One of the biggest challenges with communication is the emotion that comes with it. I wish I would have found a good family counselor that we could have engaged with on a regular basis to guide us through communicating our big emotions. It is hard for children to feel like their voices are being heard; and honestly, when parents are living at a constant high level of stress and anxiety, it is hard to hear the needs of our healthy children in ways that are meaningful. Having a neutral party that is skilled in relationships and communication would have been helpful in communicating and navigating big emotions together as a family.
Each child is an individual and will have needs that are different from each other. Some children are skilled at masking when they are struggling because they fear adding more stress to Mom and Dad’s lives. Some children, despite their own struggles being overshadowed by those of the child with DT, become pseudo parents to the child with DT because they see the level of stress on Mom and Dad and think, “If I can help with my sibling, maybe that will reduce some of the stress on Mom and Dad, and they will have time and energy for me.” As a parent, it is easy to interpret this as the child simply wanting to be a “good” sibling and child. We are all too happy to have extra hands and soothing voices. We are so ecstatic to have a break that we may not see or hear the cries for help from a daughter that is autistic, but has been masking her needs for her entire life because she did not want to add to the burden of stress she already saw us carrying. We may not see the sibling that is 10-months younger than the child with DT losing friends because of the social fallout from her brother’s behaviors. Now that we are in a place of less chaos, to hear the things the siblings of our child with DT went through is heartbreaking. Find a way to remove yourself from the chaos to ensure you are meeting the needs of each child. I think a family counselor would be helpful for this as well.
Do things with the siblings of your DT child without the DT child present: movies, games, vacations, etc. It may sound cruel, but it is not. You may be questioned as to why you treat one child differently, but you are not. This is a way of giving all your children what they need. Most children with DT do not do well with things that are non-routine, and vacations are very non-routine. By taking your DT child on family vacations, you may not be meeting the needs of any of the children. The child with DT becomes very dysregulated, and then creates uncomfortable experiences for their siblings. Neither are helpful. Memories made are not memorable for the right reasons. This is something we started doing, but not until our oldest son was out of the house and the second oldest was in high school. They did not get family experiences absent the chaos that accompanies dysregulation. I know this is easier said than done because finding a respite provider to care for your child with DT while you vacation is not easy to do. I encourage you to find someone that is willing to be your respite provider and who is willing to have some training on DT, and the unique needs of your child(ren) for whom they will be providing respite. Sometimes it is helpful if the provider can provide respite in your home while the rest of the family leaves. This helps keep the child with DT in a home routine. Sometimes it is helpful for the provider to be able to take the child with DT out of the house so the family can have home time with less dysregulation around. If you know of a person that may be willing to be a respite provider for you, I highly recommend you set up a time with Rebecca for some respite provider training. Having a provider that has some understanding of, and training specific to0, DT makes a huge difference.
Find ways to make sure your children that are the siblings of a child with DT know that you are there for them just as much as you are for the child with DT. The attention required by a child with DT is astronomical, and can make the other children feel like their needs are not important. Find ways to connect and be consistent at doing those things. Again, family counseling will likely assist with this because a counselor may help you find those things together, and perhaps more importantly, regular counseling appointments will hold you accountable to doing those things.
Brandon Morgan, PT, DSc, DPT, OCS, FAAOMPT, and The RAD Dad
